A Cauldron Confidential Exclusive
By Juniper Bristlecone, Senior Enchanter of Scandal and Spark | April 14, 2008
Darlings, gather your brooms and brace yourselves, because the wizarding world’s most elusive hero has finally stepped out of the shadows and straight into the arms of a Muggle.
Yes, you read that right. Kendis Black, defeater of He Who Refuses To Be Named For Branding Reasons and conquering war hero, has been spotted cozying up with Tony Stark. Yes, that Tony Stark! Billionaire inventor, muggle tech icon, and a man who probably thinks a bezoar is a trendy drink garnish.
Kendis has been living outside the public eye for years. Aside from the occasional Quidditch match or charity gala, they have been almost impossible to spot. Most people simply shrugged and said, “That is Kendis. They have earned their peace.”
So imagine our surprise sources started to talk about a possible romance between the champion of the Wizarding World and the muggle playboy.
However, we didn’t believe it until a photo of Kendis and Tony looking awful cozy was leaked in the Muggle news and it didn’t take long for it to spread into the Wizarding World.
Now, the wizarding world is up and arms, and reactions have ranged from swoony delight to full-body salt.
“I think it is adorable,” said a witch outside Café Vespertilio. “If anyone deserves love, it is Kendis.”
Of course, not everyone is polishing their dress robes in celebration.
“A muggle? Really?” huffed a wizard who insisted on remaining anonymous but definitely smelled like Knockturn Alley. “Kendis could do better. Or at least date someone magical.”
“This is what happens when heroes retire,” muttered another. “They get soft.”
One especially salty Howler-writer declared,
“Ginny Weasley is right there!”
A bold statement, considering Ginny herself has reportedly moved on with Kendis’s Hogwarts’s housemate Neville Longbottom and is focusing on leading the Holyhead Harpies to winning their third Qudditch World Cup.
But unanswered questions swirl thicker than a poorly brewed polyjuice potion. Namely:
What does this mean for the Statute of Secrecy?
A muggle partner is one thing. A muggle celebrity with a camera crew practically glued to his lifestyle is something else entirely.
MACUSA and the Muggle Liaison Department have both refused to comment, which, as we all know, usually means one of two things:
- They are panicking.
- They are panicking even more than we think.
Speculation is everywhere.
“Honestly, Stark might take it better than half the wizarding world,” suggested a werewolf bartender. “At least we know he is not after Kendis’s gold.”
Meanwhile, a Ministry insider whispered,
“If anyone can convince a muggle billionaire to keep quiet, it is Kendis. They have stared down much worse than a camera crew.”
Whatever the truth, one thing is certain? Kendis Black has returned to the spotlight, and Tony Stark is right there with them.
And you know your girl Juniper will be here, wand in hand, quill ready, watching every spark as it lights up the sky.
Stay tuned, beloveds!