By Roan Jackson | Society | April 23, 2008
Just when the public thought they had cracked the case of Tony Stark’s mysterious new partner, the story has taken a turn so dramatic that even the tabloids and the gossip blogs are struggling to keep up.
I know that I have been working my cute little ass off trying to keep you apprised of all the piping hot tea.
A week and a half after the Apogee Awards debut that launched a thousand think pieces, internet sleuths now claim that Kendis Black (the motorcycle mechanic from Burbank who stole Stark’s attention) may also be Lady Black of Blackmere.
Yes, that’s right, a Lady!
As in nobility, as in landed gentry.
Kendis Black, who is known for preferring oil stains and fixing engines, is possibly real, honest-to-god nobility, and no one is okay.
WAIT… WHAT?
Until now, the dominant narrative was simple: Kendis Black was the no-nonsense, blue-collar beauty who worked with engines, owned Enchanted Engines, and somehow charmed the world’s most notorious billionaire.
It was a tidy little fairy tale ripped straight out of a Harlequin novel: rich man meets grounded working woman.
Now that the storyline has exploded, I am not the only one blindsided by this newest bombshell.
Online investigators uncovered old mentions of a hereditary title tied to a little-known English estate: Blackmere on the border of Surrey–Sussex Weald. Public records and archived society pages appear to connect that title to none other than Kendis Black. It was an estate that was awarded to Kendis Black by Queen Elizabeth II in 1999.
Although there is an official reason why. Royal watchers speculate it has to do with the late Lord Black, Sirius Black, whom the Queen pardoned posthumously six months before.
Sirius Black was accused of having a mental breakdown and murdering thirteen people in broad daylight in the middle of London. When the late Lord Black was pardoned, the victim’s family reacted angrily, sparking rumors that there was no clear evidence of Lord Black’s guilt. In fact, some say there has been lobbying of reforms on how law enforcement treats mental health crises.
This morning, Buckingham Palace issued this statement:
Buckingham Palace wishes to clarify that any past decisions taken by Her Majesty Queen Mary regarding the late Lord Sirius Black were made following the full consideration of all relevant legal findings, counsel, and constitutional advice available at the time. Matters concerning pardons, honours, and questions of status are handled through established processes and are not subject to public speculation.
Neither the Queen nor the Royal Household will comment further on private family matters relating to the Black family, nor on conjecture regarding Lady Black of Blackmere. Her Majesty remain committed to respecting both the rule of law and the privacy of those concerned.
If true, Tony Stark isn’t dating a random mechanic from Burbank. He’s dating a mechanic and a Lady.
THE RECEIPTS KEEP COMING
Then came the photo now circulating everywhere: a polished, smiling Kendis at the Apogee Awards in animated conversation with Princess Beatrice next to her rumored boyfriend, tech wunderkind Leon Michaelson. The two women are looking distinctly familiar with one another.
Not polite-acquaintance familiar, not “we met once at a charity gala” familiar. Oh no we are at Kendis Black and Princess Beatrice of England being talking, laughing, shoulder touching, inside joke type of familar.
No one was surprised when the internet immediately combusted.
“A mechanic that hobnobs with royalty??? Give me a break!”
— @ The Daily Bugle
“So she fixes motorcycles and attends royal functions? Pick a lane, icon.”
— @CelebDetectiveDaily
“This woman has become three different people in ten days.”
— @Morning Scandal
ROYAL EVENTS? APPARENTLY YES!
Further digging suggests Lady Black of Blackmere has occasionally appeared at high-profile British society events, including Royal Ascot. Allegedly, the tattoos that Kendis was showing off on the red carpet match the blurry photos taken at various royal events. On her right arm, she has a tattoo of a lion with a snake in its mouth, and surrounding it are white oleander flowers. With some image enhancing and cyber sleuthing, fans were able to confirm that the tattoos are nearly identical.
Yet there are very few interviews, no major profiles, and almost no accessible public record beyond scattered, distorted photographs and mentions. In short: the perfect ingredients for chaos.
“She’s either deeply private or incredibly interesting,” one royal watcher observed. “Possibly both.”
SO… WHICH IS IT?
Is Kendis Black a simple blue-collared gal, or is she nobility? Is it possible that she can do both? The evidence suggests that Kendis is yes, and the internet? Oh, they are taking it personally.
Some skeptics insist the “mechanic” persona was staged to make Stark look more relatable. Others argue the title is ceremonial and meaningless. Yet others think the truth is simply that Kendis contains multitudes and everyone else needs hobbies.
SILENCE FROM CAMP STARK
Neither Tony Stark nor Kendis Black has commented on the aristocratic bombshell.
Stark was seen leaving Stark Industries yesterday, grinning at shouted questions and refusing to answer a single one.
Kendis reportedly went to work as usual and pointedly ignored all the chaos she caused.
It’s both infuriating and intriguing, and inquiring minds are dying to know. And when I say inquiring minds? I mean me.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
The public had just settled into the “Playboy billionaire dates mechanic” narrative. It was easy. It was understandable. It fit into neat little boxes, but this is something we have never seen before.
Playboy billionaire dates motorcycle mechanic noblewoman with royal connections” is far messier and far more intriguing.
Every time we think we have a grip on Kendis Black, another baffling layer appears and Tony Stark, chaos gremlin extraordinaire, looks utterly delighted by it.